What would Mohammed do if Porgy and Bess got out of hand, if Britney forgot her unmentionables, if Hanadi strapped on a suicide bombers belt? What would he do about unemployment, terrorism and global warming? What would he do about the ills of the modern world if tumbled head-over-heels into the 21^st Century? What would Jesus Christ do? What would Abe Lincoln do? Well, this is England, so nobody cares what Old Abe would do and, for all practical purposes, Jesus Christ is dead. It is what Old Mohammed would do that worries England. So the British government, in its infinite wisdom, is financing a new effort to teach basic citizenship skills to its Muslim students with Mohammed as a teachers aid.

A new civics curriculum has been devised by Sajid Hussain, 34, an Oxford Ph d, and is being taught in religious classes in Bradford. It is hoped this approach will serve as an antidote to the religious lessons taught in Englands Wahhabi mosques. There may not be many discussions on teen pregnancy but unemployment, violence and the nikab are on the docket. Questions posed will include: Why is it better to have a job than to be unemployed? It is right for a Muslim to harm innocent Britons just because the government invaded a Muslim country? Does it hurt a students education if he cant see his teachers face? (Approximately, two million Muslims live in England, mostly from Pakistan and Bangladesh)

The classes are to match messages from the Quran to daily life. What would Mohammed do? The Prophet said you should learn a trade. That makes sense.

So what would Mohammed do about the nikab? Quran 24:31 Say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty except what (must) appear; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display them except to their husbandsand that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments.  (Except what might appear? Hidden ornaments?)

There were a few grumblers. Nuzhat Ali, a coordinator for the Islamic Society of London, wanted to know why it was always the Muslim kids that were singled out for civic lessons. Extremism is a problem in all communities, especially among the British National Party, she said. (Isnt Guy Fawkes dead? One would think that would be taught in a civics class)

Teachers were asked to pose questions based on recent events in England. Its a good idea. One does not want to appear presumptuous, but a good place to start would be with freedom of speech. What would Mohammed do? What would he say? Was the Ayatollah Khomeini right in declaring a fatwa on Salman Rushdie? Freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of expression is on the line. What would Mohammed do?

Wellmaybe if it werent for the brothel scene and the heresies in The Satanic Verses

Rushdie was a novelist, a poet and the Prophet was notorious for his difficulties with poets. When Ashraf said that pirate and prophet were divergent careers and pointed at the Prophet, Mohammed took great umbrage. Bukhari V4B52N270 Allahs Messenger said, Who is ready to kill Ashraf? He has said injurious things about Allah and His Apostle.

Ishaq: 368 We carried his head back to Mohammed during the night, saluted the Prophet as he stood praying, and cast Ashrafs head before his feet. The Prophet praised Allah that the poet had been slain.

Asma bint Marwan, a poet, warned her tribe about Mohammed. Ishaq: 676 You obey a stranger who encourages you to murder for booty. You are greedy men. Is there no honor among you? Upon hearing those lines Mohammed said, Will no one rid me of this woman? Umyar, a zealous Muslim, decided to execute the Prophets wishes. That very night he crept into the writers home while she lay sleeping surrounded by her young children. There was one at her breast. Umyar removed the suckling babe and then plunged his sword into the poet. The next morning in the mosque, Mohammed, who was aware of the assassination, said, You have helped Allah and His Apostle. Umyar said, She had five sons; should I feel guilty? No, the Prophet answered. Killing her was as meaningless as two goats butting heads.

Marlon Brando in The Godfather.

I may disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

The press called Abe Lincoln a baboon. His Secretary of War, Edwin M. Stanton, and the Commander of the Army of the Potomac, George B. McClellan, referred to Lincoln as the original gorilla. Abe Lincoln threw many supposedly innocent people in jail during the American Civil War but neither Stanton nor McClellan. Nor did he send Ward Hill Lamon with a horse pistol after Adam Gurowski or Clement Vallandigham or Walt Whitman. Lincoln liked poets. He was something of a poet himself. He talked about the better angels of our nature and letting people up easy. What would Abe Lincoln have done with a Salman Rushdie? The chances areand this is in the realm of speculationhe would have read selected passages from The Satanic Verses to his Cabinet. But Lincoln was never big in England and Mohammed isand freedom of speech isnt everything, if anything at all to most Muslims.

Okay, so Mohammed would be in favor of the nikab and opposed to freedom of speech but what about the killing of innocent people? Theres that smite them at the neck thing and theres enough Jihad in the Quran to satisfy an army of bin Ladens. Anjem Choudary, a British Jihadist, says no non-Muslims are innocent. Islamists such as the late Syed Abul Ala Maududi said non-Muslims had absolutely no right to seize the reins of power in any part of Gods earth nor to direct the collective affairs of human beings according to their own misconceived doctrines.  Parliament is illegal!

What is Jihad? Is it an internal struggle between the better angels of a Muslims nature and the devil or is it what the Quran says.

Quran 2:190 Jihad is holy fighting in Allahs Cause with full force of numbers and weaponry. It is given the utmost importance in Islam and is one of its pillarsBy Jihad, Islam is established, Allahs word made superior, and Islam is propagated. By abandoning Jihad, Islam is destroyedJihad is obligatory duty in Islam on every Muslim. He who tries to escape from this duty dies with one of the qualities of a hypocrite. Smite them at the neck!

Heres something to discuss in a civics class or at the War College:

Quran 33:26 Allah made the Jews leave their homes by terrorizing them so that you killed some and made many captive. And he made you inherit their lands, their homes, and their wealth. He gave you a country you had not traversed before.

Was it a Trail of Tears? Were the Jews the Cherokees of the Middle East? Oh, how spineless the West has become in the face of militant Islam!

Give me Jesus Christ; give me Abe Lincoln; give me Napoleon Bonaparte; give me Attila the Hungive me anybody but Mohammed.

Isnt there anybody else up there?

Just how tiny is Tiny Muskens? Can he be seen with the naked eye? Is he taller than Tiny Tim? Does he use crutches? Mickey Rooney is five-feet-two. Im not short, says Mickey. Im economically packaged. Charles Stratton, the famous Tom Thumb, was 84 centimeters. Thats 2 feet 9 inches. He came up to Abe Lincolns kneecap. It was a good height for a pickpocket but not for peeking into a neighbors bedroom. Would Tiny Muskens come up to Abe Lincolns kneecap? Would he come up to Paris Hiltons kneecap?

Didnt the Vatican pass a law a thousand years ago that Bishops had to be at least three feet tall so they wouldnt have to use stepladders to reach the Holy Water fonts? Wouldnt tiny priests be mistaken for altar boys? Is Tiny Muskens really tiny or is it a nervous affliction? Some people lie about their age, some lie about their height. Couldnt he wear lifts and be done with it?

Martinus Petrus Maria Tiny Muskens was born in 1935. He is the Bishop of Breda. It was once an important post. Breda is near Eindhoven where the Screaming Eagles of the 101^st Airborne came down in WWII. Theres not enough Church business in 21^st Century Netherlands to keep a Catholic Bishop busy. They dont make house calls; nobody uses sackcloth anymore; and almost everybody confesses their sins in the newspapers or on TV. The confessionals are empty and so are the Churches. A Bishop can play Bingo, keep the Holy Water fonts filled and wait for a call from Pope Benedict XVI or the College of Cardinalsor he can suck up to Islam. Of course, sucking up to Islam wouldnt make Tiny tiny it would make him infinitesimal.

Maybe he was bored, anyway, last week Martinus Petrus Maria Tiny Muskens appeared on Dutch TV. What he said did not endear him to most Catholics. Tiny is no stranger to controversy. He has advocated the use of condoms to combat AIDS and once suggested the poor should steal bread. Bread? Why not herringits the Netherlands, isnt it? Marie Antoinette told the poor to eat cake.

Tiny is retiring in a few weeks and felt it was as good a time as any to put forth his latest proposal. It would probably take a while to catch on, he admitted. What he suggested was not only breathtaking in scope and magnitudeit was terrifying! Five Bishops and three Cardinals fainted! The Lady of Lourdes turned gray! Tiny wants to get rid of the Christian word for God. He would change Gods name to Allah!

Allah is a very beautiful word for God, he told his interlocutor. Shouldnt we all say that from now on we will call God Allah? Thirty years ago Muskens was a missionary in Indonesia. Someone like me, he said, has prayed to Allah yang maha kuasa (Almighty God) for eight years in Indonesia and other priests for 20 or 30 years. In the heart of the Eucharist, God is called Allah over there, so why cant we start doing that together.

Yeah! And we can call Bishops Imams and Jesuits Wahhabis and altar boys Mujahideen and

Now, dont get carried away! You will frighten Michael Newdow and Bill Maher.

Muskens is in ill health and that may explain a few things, but at least give in a try. Okay?

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

Wellit does have a nice ring to it but coming from the mouth of a suicide bomber it can be disturbing. Shouldnt Muskens have consulted someone before doing his impression of Robert Edgar? Four hundred million people speak Spanish! Did he talk to someone from the Spanish Embassy? Madre de Dios! Gott und Himmel! What about Jehovah? What about Yahweh? Andrew Jackson would have stared Muskens in the eye. By the Eternal! he would have said and that would have been the end of it. Old Hickory knew his Eternals and how to use them.

God doesnt really care how we address him, said Tiny Muskens. Maybe God doesnt but Allah does! And there are more than two names for the Supreme Deity. Besides God and Allah, theres Jehovah, Yahweh, Providence, Vishnu, ZeusWhy not the Fonz? Sure, why not? There were times when Posty and Ralph Malph thought the Fonz was God. It wouldnt hurt to try a few verses to see how it would wear. How about these?

Quran 8:2 The only believers are those who feel fear when the Fonz is mentioned.

Quran 64:11 No calamity occurs, no affliction comes, except by the decision and preordination of the Fonz.

Quran 5:4 Pronounce the Name of the Fonz: and fear the Fonz; for the Fonz is swift in reckoning.

It is a bit scary but it was what Potsy and Ralph Malph came to expect from the Fonz. God might smile at the boys for calling Him Fonz but what about Allah? The Muslim Deity does not accept human frailties as an excuse for anything. Look at what he did to poor Nimrod: Tabari 11:106 Allah gave Nimrod a single gnat which entered his nostril and went on beating the inside of his head with hammers for four hundred years. The most merciful of his friends was he who bunched his fists and beat Nimrods head with them. Double Ouch!

The Fonz (Henry Winkler) stands 56-1/2. That might not be tall enough for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Council of Islamic Organizations of Greater Chicago has endorsed the Muskens proposal. Pluralism, Abrahamisnthey cant get enough of it. Ingrid Mattson is a member of the Councils Interfaith Committee. In a PBS interview Mattsona convert from Catholicismsaid she didnt see any difference between the criticisms of Islam and al-Qaeda by certain Christian leaders (Robertson and Franklin Graham) and bin Laden using the Quran to justify 9/11 and the London bombings. That is absurd! Its like saying there is no difference between Mr. Chips giving a student an F and beating him half to death in the cloakroom. Mattson claims there is no such thing as Wahhabism. And if there is, it is analogous to the European protestant reformation. The Council has been demanding an end to all US military, economic, diplomatic and corporate aid to Israelthe same stand taken by the Interfaith Alliance and the National Council of Churches.

Most Christians would be better off praying to the Fonz than to Allah. There is a significant difference between God and Allah and the Fonz, and the devil is in the detailsah, make that in the Quran.

There were a lot of things Helen Green could have asked the kids to put to paper—a few lines from Shakespeare, a bit of Thackary, a Burpee commercial or they could have made out their last will and testament. It was a penmanship class—handwriting practice; making letters look like letters. They were kids—ten-year-olds.

Say—here’s an idea! How about something patriotic? How about something like: “We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the landing fields, we shall fight them in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight them in the hills, we shall never surrender.” A little late, perhaps, for the exhortation—they have lost the fields and the streets, the hills and the beaches and the landing grounds are long gone and Parliament is beating a hasty retreat and the Universities surrendered thirty years ago—but these are brave words, stirring words, words worthy of their forebears; Churchillian; clear as a sword severing a Gordian Knot; inestimable. Churchill was a master of the English language. It is English they want, isn’t it?

Or how about Thomas Jefferson? “Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man & god…I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state.” Note the ampersand and the ellipisis and the underlining. This goes beyond mere writing, making excellent practice. It may be a little late and Thomas Jefferson is not one of England’s most revered historical figures and the language may be a bit difficult for a ten-year-old to master but these are fine words not only to live by but to die for.

And there is that ineluctable John Wayne challenge to Ned Pepper. What can one say? “Fill your hand, you S-O-B!” or “ She reminds me of me!” Both brought tears to Potsy’s eyes. What ten-year-old wouldn’t be as proud as a peacock to scrawl Rooster’s sagacious words over and over on a piece of paper to practice his penmanship?

But what did Helen Green, deputy principal of Newlands Primary School in Wakefield, West Yorkshire, pick for handwriting practice? Churchill? Jefferson? Cogburn? The Burpee commercial? No, Helen picked the Azaan—or Azan or Adhan—the Muslim call to prayer! That’s right—the Azaan! It says, “Allah is the greatest. I bear witness that there is no god except Allah. I bear witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of God…Prayer is better than sleep.” Oh, yes, and it ends with more of the same: “Allah is the greatest. There is no god except Alllah.”

Sign on the dotted line, kids. You have just bought the Brooklyn Bridge. You have been Shanghaied. It will be Twenty Years Before the Islamic Crescent. Prayer rugs and burqas will be on sale during recess.

Needless to say, some of the parents were disturbed. They had expected, if anything at all, penmanship class. They got Pearl Harbor, a sneak attack on their religion and it doesn’t matter whether they have any religion or not, deceit is deceit, a trait next to cowardice that is beginning to dominate education in the Western World.

Hayley Clayton’s stepson Billy Darbyshire is in the class. When Hayley complained, she was given the old runaround. The children were learning about Islam in RE (Religious Studies); it was natural to combine them. Uh-huh. And if they had been studying Nazi Germany would Ms Green have drawn on Mein Kampf for handwriting exercises? How about this gem: “Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.” Would Helen Green find that offensive? Tariq Ramadan would have no objections though he would prefer the Azaan.

At least, Ms Green realized it was a ‘sensitive issue.’ Three of the July 7^th suicide bombers came from nearby Leeds. A bit too close for comfort—one can’t take chances, one must reach out, one must be sensitive—above all else one must be sensitive. Did Ms Green miss the connection between the actions of the suicide bombers and the Azaan? Where did their inspiration come from? What does Allahu akbar mean? Good morning? Good evening? Goodbye? Cheerio, old chap—see you in hell? Allahu akbar, Ms Green—it’s what suicide bombers scream before blowing themselves to hell in crowded pizzerias and packed buses. It’s what thousands of Muslim youths screeched while torching thousands of cars in France in 2005. It’s what Mohammed Bouyeri screamed while shooting Theo van Gogh dead in the streets of Amsterdam. Allahu akbar! One might as well shout, “Heil, Hitler,” and be done with it. Chop the head off a Buddhist or a Hindu or a dhimmi; blowup a Sunni or Shia mosque or Marine Corps barracks; save the family honor by dispatching an erring wife or daughter to the nether regions and it is “Allahu akbar!” Yes—Allahu akbar, not Heil, Hitler.

Closer to home, in the US House of Representatives, Keith Ellison (D-MN), momentarily forgetting where he was, screamed “Allahu akbar!” Who was he looking at? Tom Tancredo? Virgil Goode? Got a permit to carry, boys?

Jesus saved; Mohammed destroyed. Christ reattached Malchus’ severed ear; the Prophet ordered the assassination of Asma, a poet who had offended him. Asma was murdered as she slept alongside her children, one of many poets to feel the scourge of Islam.

Unfortunately, Helen Green is not alone. There are many just like her in England where the spinelessness exhibited by the teaching profession vis-à-vis militant Islam has reached epidemic proportions. The Brits have fallen back to Thermopylae and there are not enough Spartan educators on hand to man the cultural breastworks. Appeasement, submission and then surrender—they will not fight to preserve their own heritage. Churchill would have had more respect for Rommel and Guderian than for Ms Green and the hundreds of other pathetic wretches that pass for educators in what was once Merry Olde England.

Ms. Green could have had the kids write something from Jack and the Beanstalk—something more accurate, something more appropriate, something prophetic: “Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman, Be he alive or dead, Mohammed will have his bones to grind his bread.”

The sharks have been gathering a long time.

There are eight million stories in the naked city and most of them have nothing to do with nudity. There are sad stories—stories of endless woe, stories of unbearable suffering. And there are good stories; Gloria marries the Meathead. There are stories of life and death, of degradation and exultation, of joy and grief; there are birthday parties and wakes and stories of aggravated harassment—yes, aggravated harassment, hundreds of thousands of stories of aggravated harassment. There are more stories of aggravated harassment than there are stories of firemen rescuing kitty cats from telephone poles.

Take Stanislav Shmulevich. Stanislav was arrested for aggravated harassment—a hate crime. Stanislav was guilty of transporting a Qur’an from a university meditation room to a toilet without proper authorization. He just up and took it into the can. Just like that! A Qur’an can float but it can’t swim and when the pages get soggy, especially if it’s a paperback, which it was, they are hard to read and that can be aggravating. The possibility that Stanislav might have done what he did because he was himself aggravated has not been properly raised. It should be looked into.

Stanislav is an immigrant from the Ukraine. His father was stunned. Stash was a good boy; he would never do anything that crazy. And a hate crime—come on! Get real! What he was doing was expressing his dissonance with a religion that persecutes non-Muslims and treats women like they were on their way to wash dishes or pick cotton for Jeff Davis. It was the kind of aggravated harassment Abe Lincoln engaged in. It’s as American as apple pie…as jambalaya…as fiddly gumbo.

It’s not wrong to hate things. Susan Sarandon hates injustice—especially George W. Bush injustice. Lloyd Garrison hated slavery; FDR hated war; half of all Democrats hate capitalism; Jimmy Carter still hates the people who didn’t vote for him in ’80. J. Edgar Hoover hated Communists. Was Hoover guilty of aggravated harassment? Sportswriters hated Ted Williams; Billy Martin hated sportswriters; Ty Cobb hated himself. Every time Rosie O’Donnell opens her mouth it is aggravated harassment. “Hey! Hey! LBJ! How many babies did you kill today?” Aggravated harassment? Absolutely!

Qur’an 5:73 “They are surely disbelievers who blaspheme and say, ‘God is one of three in the Trinity’ for there is no Ilah (God) except One, Allah. If they desist not from saying this (blasphemy), verily a grievous penalty will befall them—the disbelievers will suffer a painful doom.”

Maybe Stanislav read that passage. Maybe it upset him. Painful doom! It could be considered aggravated harassment. It’s what Al Capone said to John Parmenter when John refused to buy Al’s beer. “You will suffer a painful doom.”

Remember the six Imams—the Muslim intellectuals—who boarded a US Airways Minneapolis-to-Phoenix flight like the Wild Bunch galloping into Dodge City? Pushy? Nervy? Aggravating to the point of harassment? Terry Bradshaw was once accused of wearing his religion on his sleeve but this Minneapolis International Airport Guerilla Theatre was in-your-face Godism. “We will force our religion down your throat whether you like it or not!” It was classic aggravated harassment. Butch Cassidy never acted holier-than-thou; he tipped generously and after he left town the barmaids couldn’t wait till he returned. The Imams have a way to go.

Yet one of the Holy Men screamed, “This is obvious discrimination!” This guy was so aggravating his actions bordered on harassment! Maybe he could explain Qur’an 5:73. Another member of the Minneapolis Six, Siraj Wahhaj, was on the list of potential un-indicted coconspirators for the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center. “If Allah say stone them to death, through the Prophet Mohammed,” he said, “then you stone them to death, because it’s the obedience of Allah and his messenger—nothing personal.” It’s what Churchill would have expected of Himmler or Heydrich—or maybe the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem.

What was Stanislav thinking when he read the Qur’an? His mind couldn’t have been a total blank. Was he thinking of 1984 and George Orwell and Winston Smith and the Ministry of Truth? Was he hearing the bells of St. Clement’s Dane? “Oranges and lemons, says the bells of St. Clement’s; you owe me five farthings, says the bells of St. Martins.” Islam…1984…War is Peace…Freedom is Slavery…Ignorance is Strength. Was doublethink too much for Stanislav?

Qur’an 4:115 “If anyone contradicts or opposes the Messenger (not Allah) after guidance has been conveyed him, and follows a path other than the way, We shall burn him in Hell.”

Terrifying! The sound of jackboots on wet cobblestones in the dead of night! Harrowing! It is easy to see how Stanislav might have confused Mohammed with Goldstein; Eurasia with the dar al-Harb; Osama bin Laden with O’Brien; the Thought Police with the Council on American-Islamic Relations—Dennis Kucinich does it all the time.

So Stanislav tossed a Qur’an in the toilet—aggravated harassment! It wasn’t as if he had drawn a mustache on a portrait of Mohammed for Jyllands-Posten—that would have caused a three-day riot in East Baboonistan.

Two Gideons were arrested in Florida for passing out Bibles on a sidewalk in front of a public school in Key Largo. They must have been engaged in aggravated harassment or what somebody took to be aggravated harassment or suspected of being aggravated harassment or wished to be aggravated harassment. It was aggravated harassment than made Dirty Harry’s day. Archie Bunker was a constant victim of aggravated harassment though he kind of liked it.

But aggravated harassment doesn’t spring full-blown from the head of Zeus or Nietzsche or Doctor Phil. It has causes—root causes. If Nancy Pelosi can poke around in American Foreign Policy looking for root causes for the War on Terror, certainly an NYPD gumshoe can use root causes to figure out why Stanislav dunked a Qur’an in a toilet. Something was aggravating him, something was harassing him, something in the Qur’an—it was the words, not all of them, some of them, enough of them. He was irritated—the words were aimed at him, a non-Muslim, telling him how his life was to be lived and the perils he would suffer if he didn’t follow instructions. And it was whether he liked or not! Stanislav thought he liked it not so he put an apostrophe to his argument by dunking a Qur’an.

Let that be a lesson in root causes—aggravated harassment begins on page one of the Qur’an..

A hundred and ten years in the slammer? A breeze! He can do it standing on his head and it won’t make him any dizzier than he was the day he boarded American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris to Miami on December 22, 2001, with enough explosives in his shoes to blow the Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote and Yosemite Sam to where the woodbine twineth. Fortunately for the 185 passengers and 12 crewmembers there were two short-circuits on board Flight 63 that day—the one between Richard Reid’s ears and the one in his sneakers. Maybe if he had been wearing Buster Browns.

A flight attendant smelled smoke. It was Reid trying to set fire to his sneakers. The last time someone tried that was in the ‘60s and the shoe was full of marijuana.

There was a scuffle. The shoe-bomber, a six foot-four inch Cro-Magnon, bit one of the flight attendants on the thumb. Passengers helped subdue the rascal, a doctor administered Valium and the wretch was turned over to the authorities at Boston’s Logan International Airport. On January 30, 2002, Richard Reid was sentenced to 110 years in jail and a $7 million fine. He has spent the last four-and-a-half years in the maximum-security wing of the ADX facility at Florence, Colorado. Has he learned anything? Not so as one would notice. But he dreams a lot and has high hopes. A Cro-Magnon might not be able to bring a passenger liner down but an ant can move a rubber tree plant and Reid fits in there somewhere.

The outside world got a glimpse into what has been going on in the shoe-bomber’s mind when the London Daily Mirror published excerpts from some of the letters Reid has written to friends on the outside. The Mirror did not explain how they came into possession of the letters or their contents. Not once, said the Mirror, did Reid express regret or remorse. “I had a couple of good dreams about my situation changing for the better in the not so distant future,” Reid wrote, “so there is a blessing from Allah.”

A hundred and ten years…sure, he can do it standing on his head. He’s already down to a hundred and six. The days might drag by but the years will fly by. In no time at all he will be bent and gray, gnarled and wobbly, drooling in his porridge. He will be the oldest man in Allah’s Great Whorehouse in the Sky when he gets there but it will be worth the wait. What will it be like? What does the Holy Book say? Ah—here it is; so simple even a child could understand.

Qur’an 83:22 “The believers will be in Delightful Bliss: On couch-like thrones, gazing, their thirst will be slaked with pure wine.”

Delightful Bliss! Pure wine! Gaze at the walls of your cell, Dickey-boy, at those cold cinder blocks and the 106 years will pass like a breeze! Think! Contemplate! Paris Hilton…Pamela Anderson…J-Lo…Hanadi Jaradat…

Qur’an 56:33 “Unending, and unforbidden, exalted beds, and maidens incomparable. We have found them in a distinctive fashion and made them virgins, loving companions matched in age, for the sake of those of the right hand.”

Matched in age? Better check into that! It wouldn’t do to be paired with Granny Clampett or Roseanne Barr’s grandmother. No…no, that would be hell.

Qur’an 56:13 “A multitude of those from the first, and a few from the latter, (will be) on couch-like thrones woven with gold and precious stones. Reclining, facing each other. Round about them will (serve) boys of perpetual (freshness), of never ending bloom, with goblets, jugs, and cups (filled) with sparkling wine.”

Perpetual freshness? Never ending bloom? Boys? To serve wine…why should it be boys? Can’t the (gasp…pant…drool…snort) houris do it? Who needs boys? They will be in the way—of course, if Allah ordains…

Qur’an 52:21 “Round about them will serve, (devoted) to them, young boy servants of their own (handsome) as well-guarded pearls. They will advance to each other, drawing near, engaging in mutual enquiry.”

Mutual inquiry? Why should that be? They will only be serving wine. Who needs Beavis and Butt-Head. And this advancing…drawing near! They sound like Midnight Cowboys! Is Paradise close to Brokeback Mountain?

Bukhari V4B55N544 “They will not urinate, relieve nature, spit, or have nasal secretions. Their combs will be gold and their sweat will smell like musk.”

No wonder Richard Reid signed on the dotted line. Allah’s Paradise beats a lifetime pass to Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion by at least three or four Playmates and a million years. His head must still be in a whirl. Reid converted to Islam while in jail. He was serving a sentence at Feltham (a young offender’s institute) for a variety of crimes including mugging when he saw the light. It couldn’t have been much.

Bukhari V1B2N25 “Allah’s Apostle was asked, ‘What is the best deed?’ He replied, ‘To believe in Allah and His Apostle Mohammad.” The questioner then asked, ‘What is the next best in goodness?’ He replied, ‘To participate in Jihad, religious fighting in Allah’s cause.”

It was something a Cro-Magnon could understand. To terrorize the infidels! Wound their bodies and incapacitate them! Killing them is a small matter to us! Smite their necks!

The trouble with Reid’s 115-year sentence is that he won’t live long enough to enjoy all of it. But he can make himself useful. He can serve humanity—he can do good deeds. He doesn’t have to be just another bored lifer. He could embroider pillowcases for the warden; entertain his fellow inmates with George Costanza impressions; design fail-safe sneakers; blog on the DailyKos. But it’s not likely. The chances are Reid will remain true to the cause of Islam just as Rudolph Hess and Horst Wessel remained true to Nazi Germany.

Horst Wessel? Richard Reid? Why, sure. The aims, the philosophies, the violence, the hatreds espoused by the Jihadists and the Nazis are similar—the anti-Semitism, the master race—the master religion ideologies—and so to the rewards awaiting the heroes in the afterlife. In Mein Kampf, page 768, Hitler wrote, “It is certain that each hero who comes forward voluntarily, and dies the sacred death of martyrdom climbs the steps to Vahallah.” The Thousand Year Reich, the Hitler Youth—Islam, the Mad-Rats-Asses schools! Brown Shirts, Black Shirts, Mujahideen, Hamas, Hezbollah…Believe it or don’t.

A word of advice for Richard Reid before he leave for Allah’s Great Whorehouse in the Sky: Stock up on good high quality asbestos underwear…It will be hotter than ten thousand blast furnaces where you’re going and the houris will have horns, long tails and pitchforks and the only language spoken will be Yiddish. Oh, yeah…and get yourself an interpreter.